hey,

i like writing here more than on my myspace,  i am not sure why.  maybe its cuz i kno that other than Jason Frank or Paul whom of all which i am sure dont check it all that much anyway i kno nobody reads it and it helps me get things out and the world keeps spinning cuz its not like people care much anyway or thats how i feel anyway. i must like the word anyway i keep using it.sometimes i wish i could go back what like two years ago when i first started this...back when things seemed a lot easier.back when i really wasnt too worried yet about college...but maybe my life is just supposed to be this way...i mean i wont hide anything i love paul so much and lately i feel like i have been put to the back seat.  I want to be taken care of too, i need it. not that he doesnt....but i am going through a million different things...for one i have never been with someone this long before, i mean me and Kyle were together for about 10 months but we never made it to the like official ten month mark i think we were like 2 weeks short of it when we broke up and today is ten months...so i am stuck in this position where i dont know what to expect or how to act or how to solve problems to make it work or anything....but believe me i am no quitter i dont give up i make things work...i find ways it one of the things i do well...i just need a hug someone to sit there and say hey your doing good hilary i love ya, your an awesome person and God loves you...but who knows when that will happen...i feel like going out and buying myself flowers or something or chocolate or something ice as a gift to me and just be like hey i am special...i am cool...but i dont think it will happen anytime soon....you kno what the funny thing is is that worktoday wasnt half bad other than waking up sounding like i had a cold from all the crying i did last night i did pretty ok at work we had the cool people at work altho i think everyone who i work with is the cool people there really isnt anyone i dont like working with...but all i wanted to do once i got home was just hide under the covers the rest of the night cuz it just seemed like everything was my fault...but i suppose everyone feels that way....i am going to just go its probably better if i do anyway

hey so i kno i havent poser for a long time but this is what i am feeling i know i have posted it before but whatever

I started a joke
Which started the whole world crying
But I didn't see
That the joke was on me, oh no

I started to cry
Which started the whole world laughing
Oh, if I'd only seen
That the joke was on me

I looked at the skies
Running my hands over my eyes
And I fell out of bed
Hurting my head from things that I said

Till I finally died
Which started the whole world living
Oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me

I looked at the skies
Running my hands
Over my eyes
And I fell out of bed
Hurting my head from things that I said

Till I finally died
Which started the whole world living
Oh if I'd only seen that the joke was on me
Oh no! that the joke was on me
Oh...

wallflowers---i started a joke

cuz you kno sometimes i feel like some peoples lives would be better if i wasn't there to complicate it so whatever...